


Know My Heart

by mistypluie



Category: Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse
Genre: (i say that as if there's any humor besides one (1) vaguely worded masturbation joke), Attempt at Humor, M/M, and say things like 'i would follow you anywhere if only you asked', and things just go from there really, and you call each other 'my dearest companion', fanfiction for tenth grade english required reading? you bet, i am posting this in the hope that someday someone who had to read the book in school, i wrote this in tenth grade, is this crack? i'm not entirely sure, just old friends catching up until siddhartha is like 'bro i had a dream we fucked', otherwise i wouldnt be posting my embarrassing old writing lol, siddhartha gets lonely and goes to visit govinda, so it's certainly not the standard of my current writing but hopefully it's entertaining, tfw you're in between being friends and being gay for each other, will go look for fanfiction and stumble upon this in delight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24666979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistypluie/pseuds/mistypluie
Summary: “Govinda,” Siddhartha said softly. They were close together now, close enough that Siddhartha could almost feel the heat from Govinda’s body despite the cool air. “I had a dream, when I was travelling. I dreamt that I saw you again, after so long, so I embraced you, and kissed you.”Govinda stared raptly at him, his dark brown eyes caught in Siddhartha’s gaze.
Relationships: Siddhartha/Govinda, Siddhartha/Govinda (Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	Know My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> If any of you, like me, had to read Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha in school (and I am so sorry if you did, the amount of multiple-clause sentences in that book, oh my god) and you felt like it was unusually homoerotic, you're not alone! 
> 
> While I doubt Hesse intended for there to be any romantic subtext between Siddhartha and Govinda, phrases such as “‘Lean over to me!’ [Siddhartha] whispered softly in Govinda’s ear. ‘...Very close! Kiss me on the forehead, Govinda!’” and “[Govinda] loved Siddhartha's eyes and pleasant voice, he loved his gait and the perfect propriety of his movements, he loved everything Siddhartha did and said; and, above all, he loved his intelligence, his lofty and fiery thoughts, his burning will” point towards a relationship that is perhaps a bit more than friendship. There is also the fact that Siddhartha canonically had a dream where he kissed Govinda, which (ignoring the fact that Govinda turned into a woman after) just seems a -little- bit gay lol
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy!

AND, HAVING DWELT amongst the world, living in its beauty, breathing in the crisp air instead of measuring his breaths, focusing on his physical self instead of his essence, his _Atman_ , Siddhartha realized he was lonely. His friend, Govinda, the gentle one, had stayed with the followers of the Buddha, Gotama, had donned the yellow ascetic’s robe in search of enlightenment. And Siddhartha missed his friend, the easy company they shared, the way his heart softened whenever Govinda smiled at him. 

So he traveled back, through the forest, by the rivers, the rice paddies, through several sunrises and sunsets, feeling light and grounded. 

🝔

When Govinda first saw him his eyes became like full moons, and he said, “Siddhartha?” 

Siddhartha smiled widely. “Govinda, my friend! I have missed you so.” When he reached Govinda they embraced, and Siddhartha could feel Govinda’s body pressed warm and firm against his. He did not let go for a long time, savoring this moment with his oldest, truest friend. When he pulled back slightly, Govinda said, “Siddhartha! I too have missed your company. Where have you been? What have you learned? You must tell me all!” 

Siddhartha smiled. “I will, my friend. And you must tell me what it has been like here for you.” 

🝔

They sat in the shade of the willow trees together, shrouded by curtains of leaves, talking. Govinda had told Siddhartha of his learning, his meditation, how he felt calm and at peace, but missed his friend sorely. And Siddhartha had told Govinda of his travels, his pleasures, his decision to embrace himself for a time. 

There, Govinda said, “And do you know yourself now?”

Siddhartha smiled mischievously. “I have known myself many times. And I have known women too.” 

Govinda laughed. “And was it nice? I myself have never known a woman, and I must confess I have not ‘known myself’ in quite some time. Such things do not suit the spiritual lifestyle.”

“I have realized that perhaps a middle path might be the right way for me,” said Siddhartha contemplatively. “I have dwelt in luxury and pleasure and ablutions, and I have dwelt amongst the samanas in poverty and pain for the sake of my spirit, and neither has led me to my goal. So now I seek an in-between, in hopes that it will satiate my physical self and my soul.” 

Govinda looked at Siddhartha, brows furrowed slightly. “I have learned much here,” he said, “and I feel I have made precious steps towards what I am seeking. But I am not sure that I am happy. I am not sure that I would spend my life like this.”

“Then do not.” Siddhartha leaned closer. “You could walk the middle path with me, dear friend. I have often longed for a companion who knows my heart as you do.” 

Govinda smiled, cheeks flushed. “Know your heart? I love your heart, but perhaps I would like to know more of you.” 

“Govinda,” Siddhartha said softly. They were close together now, close enough so that Siddhartha could almost feel the heat from Govinda’s body despite the cool air. “I had a dream, when I was travelling. I dreamt that I saw you again, after so long, so I embraced you, and kissed you.”

Govinda stared raptly at him, his dark brown eyes caught in Siddhartha’s gaze. 

“But when I pulled away, you were a woman, and so I kissed you again.” Siddhartha brought his lips to Govinda’s cheek, soft and light. Govinda breathed in. 

“But once I had kissed my way down your chest and your stomach,” Siddhartha whispered in Govinda’s ear, “I saw that you were no longer a woman and once again Govinda, a man.” 

“And did you stop?” Govinda whispered back. 

“No,” said Siddhartha, and he brought his lips to Govinda’s neck and kissed his way to Govinda’s ear and breathed, “because you were beautiful and you looked down at me like I was a god, and I found I didn't particularly care that you were not a woman.” 

Govinda tilted his chin up, letting his eyes fall shut, and brought his hands to Siddhartha’s shoulders. Siddhartha traced his tongue along Govinda’s jawline and Govinda gasped and said, “I think one day you might become a god. I think you would be radiant.”

Siddhartha pulled away slightly and looked into Govinda’s eyes. “If ever that should happen, I would want you by my side, as my friend and my companion.” 

Govinda smiled and drew Siddhartha gently forward into a kiss, sweet and slow, and after a moment pulled away and kissed him on each cheek, cupping his face in his hands. 

“Siddhartha…,” Govinda breathed. “I would follow you anywhere. You are sacred to me, and I want to walk no path without you. Please, my friend, stay with me.”

“I would dream of nothing else.” Siddhartha smiled and leaned into Govinda’s touch, placing his hand over Govinda’s. “Govinda, my dearest friend, kiss me again so that I may know your love,” he said softly. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I wrote this in tenth grade...and showed it to my English teacher (yes I do have regrets). She thought it was hilarious but looking back this is absolutely mortifying to me. So of course now I am sharing it with the world in the hopes that one day someone will have to read Siddhartha in school, look to see if there's fanfiction out there, and stumble upon this with pleasant surprise :)


End file.
